Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Failed Identity

They say it's not who you are but what you do, but what if what you did was fail at something?

Today I (very likely) failed at something that was fairly important to me. Unfortunately, there's a huge part of my self-image that's directly tied to how well or how poorly I do this or that. I guess that's not the worst thing in the world, but, as with most things, I think it requires a certain amount of balance.

In my case, I really feel like crap for days after making decisions that turn out poorly or (as in this case) I failed to fully execute a plan I'd put together in-advance. There are a number of pretty good reasons why things turned out that way and I really do think I put forth a decent effort, but failure is almost a certainty (I'll know in about a week).

I tried to tell myself to focus on the positive elements of my presentation and the on-the-spot moments when I seized an opportunity to further my point by using my opponents' words against them. Ultimately, though, I just had to, as I say, "Feel that shit."*

I had to experience a day's worth of depression (plus whatever remnants follow me into the weekend) to stop feeling like a waste of protoplasm.

Anyway, I guess there's no easy answer to this one, either. Maybe I just have to train ourselves to keep things in the proper perspective and realize that hitting a few potholes doesn't make me a bad driver.

It's much more easily said than done, but it's something else I'm working on. I hope I've made some progress, so far, but I really hope there's much more progress to-come... even if there's bumpy road between where I am and where I want to be.

* - My rather crude way of saying that life's value is in the experiences - good and bad - that we gather along the way. Sometimes I think it's best to be in that moment and really feel how good or bad it feels. It probably sounds stupid, but I think life's about the good times AND the bad times that make the good times feel so doggone good.


nikki said...

it sucks to fail, especially when planning is involved. however, you have that strength to see through it to the triumph. your insight in this entry is key and i thank you for being brave enough to post it because it helps folk like me who don't try because we think failing will kill us.

B. Good said...

"hitting a few potholes doesn't make me a bad driver."

I felt that shit. You're right......there is no good without the bad. You must feel both to know the difference, and appreciate the balance (or imbalance, in some cases).

beef mug said...

That last little blurb was very eloquent. I understand exactly what you mean.

Angie said...

All I can say is I'm feeling you boo. No "try again" or "it'll get better". Hell, you know all of that shit already.....I'm feeling you.