PARODY POST - viperteq's "Catering to You"

My homie viperteq has a great post about catering to your significant others' needs. I’m nothing like viper; I'm Repressive, but Outspoken all at the same time. I ain't 'bout trying and experiencing new things and I damn-sure don't want no traditional type marriage and family. So, for my future Queen out there in the world, where ever she may be, this is what I promise that I will do if I ever find a sistah like the one that viper serenades. I promise to:

• Never take out the garbage.
• Always piss directly on the toilet seat and leave it down after using the bathroom.
• Never leave the bathroom without making sure that there is an empty cardboard core of toilet tissue on-hand.
• Take you out on a date at least 3 times. Period.
  
• Always leave my clothes in random places of the house after changing.
• Drop the baby(ies) off twice a week so you can get some "me" time... with me.
  
• Make you stronger by always eating Ice Cream or other fattening foods in front of you when you go on that diet.
• Always keep it real, by lettin' the kinfolk or the baby(ies) see me drunk or buzzing.
• Never ask you to iron a shirt for me 10 minutes before I’m supposed to walk out of the door. Eleven minutes, TOPS!
  
• Always make sure that I orgasm at least 4 times a week. What? I got mine. GET YOURS!
  

Well, I think that about covers it. If I think of anything else, i’ll be sure to add it to the list…

Allright, ladies, don't all line up, at once!