My comments from chele's latest blog entry were a little long, so I thought I'd trim'em there, but post the whole thing here.
You might want to read chele's entry, first, as it inspired the following.
"I'm not sure where to begin to comment.
As far as the whole capacity to love thing is concerned, I think that's a pretty good policy. Loving someone can feel really good. If being loved back isn't an option, at that time, *shrugs*
And yeah, family can really be something. You *can* keep them at a distance, just like anyone else, but you have to be very secure in and consistent with those choices to be able to navigate the rough waters of necessary consequence.
I've always marveled at how short, Black women could whup some ass or curse somebody out and still be loved t'death. Somehow they seemed to master the ability to do some pretty mean shit, in the moment, yet maintain the vibe of love.
I have yet to master that skill, but I'm pretty good, these days, at setting certain boundaries with friends and family, alike... while immersing them in that same unconditional love.
In very, very rare cases, my choices meant that I had to cut a loved-one off. But, ultimately, I had to realize that this was mostly due to my father's choices not to respect me as his son AND AS A GROWN MAN.
Hmmm... Looks like I decided where to start. :-) Thanks for the inspirational thoughts.
I think I'll truncate my comments here, then post its entirety on my blog, while linking to yours."
4 comments:
Thanks for commenting. It's a difficult topic for me. I don't have a problem cutting someone off in a non-familial relationship. My motto is: If you do me wrong, you're done.
I find it much more difficult to apply that motto to my family. Unfortunately, certain family members have the ability to break me down without even thinking about it.
I can understand that - especially if you're really close with those particular family members and/or grew up with them.
It may be a bit easier for me because while there's always been a tremendous amount of love, there's also been a certain (geographic) distance between me and most of members of my very large family.
It can be much easier to cut off or scold someone you've only seen so many times per year or even in your whole lifetime... as opposed to someone with whom you grew up or still live near.
As it stands, my love remains unconditional. My tolerance? Notsomuch.
In this case, there is no geographic distance. I was referring to my kids, my son in particular. These little people are the only people on the planet that can hurt my feelings. Most times they don't even realize it.
There is no "cutting them off". I just have to explain to them what they did ... and don't do it again. Kids!
Just some thoughts (that may or may not be worth the spit they're spoken with):
That's a toughie, all the way around.
When you live with someone, and that's not going to change, you've got much more power over each other than Cousin Jethro over in Texas.
But the fact that it's your kids, specifically, (as you know I was mostly speaking about the general issue) reminds me of something I was thinking about my family, recently:
There's this necessary emotional or even intellectual distance that adults often put between themselves and the young people they love. Why? Because if they're anything like me, while they'll sometimes say some wonderful, thoughtful, highly intelligent stuff that makes you feel good... they'll also have moments where they say some really painful, thoughtless, and/or dumb stuff that makes you cringe.
That "distance" that my family must've kept with me, seems to have allowed the worst of that stuff (and I was a good kid), to just float away in the breeze. It didn't stick and they (apparently) didn't hold it against me.
That distance seems to be all about remembering that the things these young people say and do are wholly without the benefit of decades of first-hand knowledge and wisdom.
Simply put: They often don't know any better - even when it seems like they do.
Now, I just need to take my own advice and stop walking around "like somebody done stoled yo' #$^$in' bike"* because of some choices my young cousins did and didn't make.
* - a la "Love Jones"
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