Adventures in lock-picking

Some weeks, ago, I decided that I didn't need the $150 power center that I purchased from Best Buy. I still had time to take it back for a full refund (although I wasn't sure if that day was my LAST day to do so, or not).

So, I got (over-) dressed, tossed the device into the back of my truck, locked up, then hit the road. When I got to Best Buy, I proudly stepped out of my truck, feeling like a million bucks (or at least a hundred and fifty).

Thanks to a well-tuned a/c unit, I was still cool and breezy, as I walked to the back of my truck to retrieve the unwanted tech item. Unfortunately, the lock on the hatch would. not. budge.

So, there I stood, out in the Florida sun, staring through the window at a hundred and fifty dollars worth of technology that, for all I knew, was gonna be written off, by Best Buy, in the next few hours. (This was a Sunday.)

After about 45 minutes of doing the best I could to force, finagle, or otherwise find my way into that hatch, I all but gave up. I had to consider the unthinkable. There's a 15in x 14in window that leads from the cab to the flatbed.

I was gonna hafta crawl my old ass through that.

*_)(*%%$!!!

Fightin' off the demons of claustrophobia, I squeezed my head, then one shoulder, then the other should, then my torso,...




...then Frank n the Beans...




..., then my legs, knees, and feet through that tiny-ass hole, into the sweatbox that was the flatbed of my truck.

Now, the good news was that I'd had the sense, about 20 minutes before, to move the truck from the most excellent parking space I'd found, right next to the store, over to a far-away spot, that was most excellently oriented in the shade of a medium-sized tree.

Lawd.

Anyway, I stomped the shit out of all the crap I had back there and slowly, but... slowly, made my way to the rear end of the vehicle, sweat poppin' up on my dome like a fucked-up game of whack-a-mole.

Finally, I got to the lock and... yup, it's locked all right.





"DAD-GUM!"






So, I cut my losses, grabbed the power center, and squeezed my ass back through the window. I also continued to ignore the many people wondering what was up with the well-dressed Black man breaking into a truck in broad-daylight.

I walked into the wonderfully air-conditioned Best Buy location, briefly told the clerk my tale o' woe, and got my money back (which I surely earned, that afternoon).


Fast-forward to yesterday, when I'd just had enough of not being able to get into the back of my truck and finally decided that I'd try, again. I'd already tried all kinds of goop and lubes to seduce that lock into givin' up the goods.

No love.

So, yesterday, your man, West, grabbed some tools (gotta remember to get the wrench), locked the house (don't forget the wrench), stepped into the truck, squeezed my old ass back through that hole (all the while trying not to rest on my nuts or bolt), then promptly remembered... "@#$^$#! I forgot the #$^ @%$&$$ed WRENCH!"

I tried looking in the glove compartment, which I could reach through the window.

No love.

So then, I tried to squeeze my old ass BACK out through the window, and, realizing that there wasn't enough room in the cab for me to fold myself up, I had to open the driver's side door, and slink out onto the damned driveway, head-first.




I felt like I was re-enacting the "birthing" scene from the Ace Ventura sequel.



Leaving my dignity on the pavement, I got up, ran back in the house, found a wrench, then ran back outside, climbed back in the truck and found... another wrench, right next to the damned window.


Ultimatley, I ended up climbing back through "the birth canal," making my way to the back, dismantling the lock, and then opening the tailgate and Caesarian'ing my ass BACK onto the driveway.

By the time I was done with all that, I couldn't give a DAYUM about ANYthing except getting back in my air-conditioned home, and chilling the fug OUT.


That's it. There's no punchline. This is just what happened to me. I've decided that, if I find myself telling a story to enough people, throughout the day, then I should just post the damned thing and make it easier on everybody.

THE-#@%-#$^$#in'-END