Thursday, December 28, 2006

Checking my Baggage

It's become more and more clear, to me, that I'm insecure about love.

I love deeply. That's not the issue. I don't even regret loving others, when that love is not reciprocated. I know it's just who I am and I have little choice in the matter. That's fine.

My insecurity has to do with the love others have for me - or my perceptions of it.

People are going to disappoint you. That's not even debatable. I think that part of being a grown-up is learning to accept this fact and keep it in the proper perspective.

One area where I fall short has to do with interpreting others' disappointing behavior as evidence of their lack of love for me.

As they say, it's not paranoia if they really are out to get you. So, the above isn't always a bad thing. It's mechanism of self-preservation. I suspect, though, that my machine is turned up a bit too high.

Being aware of this fact is rather stressful. Ignorance really is bliss. Maybe that's why so many of us flawed human-beings are afraid to face up to our fears, failures, and fallacies. Facing them means we'd have to constantly work at "fixing" ourselves... and that's hard.

I think the difficulty of the task is directly proportional to the frequency with which our friends and family members disappoint us... and, of course, how one defines "disappointment."

I don't know what my expectations should be, as none of us (including me) are perfect. All I know is that I want a love I can wrap myself up in like a warm comforter. I don't want to have to worry about how many holes are in it, exposing me to bitter cold and loneliness.

For better or for worse, I guess I see love like a security blanket. And, like Linus, I don't plan to give it up, no matter HOW old I get.

Of course, if I don't check my baggage properly, I wouldn't recognize it even if it were staring me in the face.


Shai said...

How courageous and brave. You showed vulnerability and introspection in this post. That shows you are open to learning and grasping new opportunities.

I am not trying to bash. I feel if more men did what you did whether to themselves or a trusted friend or mate, we could have some revolutional relationships.

I myself can relate to your post very deeply and am not ashamed to admit it.

I have male friends and associates and because there are more women than men they some feel why even analyze their baggage. If you can understand that.

One in particular feels if it does not work with one woman move to the next. When I mention emotion or learning he says whats the point, men don't care. See this is when I say he is too logical or rationalize things. When in actuality he cannot follow his own philosophy because he cannot let go of one particular woman who hurt him but don't let him admit she has hurt him. LOL.

Good post, West. Alot of people, especially men would not be so open. You are on your way to some real and true love lessons.

West said...

Thanks, Shai. Hopefully, it'll lead to something good.

When I started reading your story about your friend, I wondered if he'd been hurt, before. Then you said he had.

It's something how those things linger, well after the relationship has passed.

Shai said...

Yeah, I have lingering emotions, not pining ones from a man who got married without telling me.

My buddy,my good friend has been hurt. He just does not know it or want to comment on it. I have known him 13+ years and he is my boy. Sadly, like alot of men he was not taught how to be compassionate or how to express his emotions. I have to say some of us women don't know how to take when some men do which makes them not want to. But I am a caring person who sees past that and does not judge.

He is still friends with this woman who wants benefits but no commitment. He has asked me and his sisters numerous times what to do. He is seeing (partially) ration/logic cannot rule in his attachment to this woman. I feel for him but he has to go and learn at his own pace.

I used to lock down my empathy and compassion for men. I am slowly thawing. It is hard and sad for a man to be vulnerable. I hope more men like you show that it is not that bad and us women can be open and support yall.

West said...

I think you're absolutely right about it being a two-way street.

We have to be willing to exhibit the behavior and others have to be prepared to receipt it.

Shai said...

Exactly. I think fear of getting hurt or getting reciprocated blocks it on BOTH sides.

I know you may not agree, but as a woman, I am tired of being open to clueless or incompassionate men.

I miss back in the day when these crazy azz games was not played as much. I remember having an open male in my life being emotional only to given in to this screwed up society's view of relationships.

West said...

re: "I know you may not agree, but as a woman, I am tired of being open to clueless or incompassionate men."

I don't think you've said anything, that I've disagreed with in this conversation.

Doug said...

What's up West? It's been a long time since I stopped by. This post hit kind of close to home. Good to see I'm not the only one like this.

West said...

Happy New Year, Doug.

Anonymous said...

Man, you literaly put into words how I feel at this exact moment. That's crazy.