Thursday, November 02, 2006

Closed to Closure

The following was a comment in chele's blog, but I cut it short b/c I sometimes feel guilty for going on like that in other people's territory:

"I know what you mean about knowing that you COULD be closer. I’ve felt that way in a relationship or two and, in one case, it slowly diluted our chemistry.

I don't really know what was up with her, but she didn't seem to be all the way there with me. Oh well. Eventually things came to an end and still wouldn't /couldn't tell me what the deal was. Oh well.

Over a year, later, when I was already in a relationship with someone else and had come to terms with the old relationship, this young lady called me up wanting to talk about the past. I told her I wasn't interested in her explanations, at that point. She didn't provide them when they mattered the most or when I needed them the most, so I healed without her help.

"Now" that something in her feels the need to express these things, she wants me to soothe her conscience or ... whatever the case may be. No, thanks. I don't need you reopening a wound just to help it (or yours) heal.

We maintained some level of contact before and after that, but it's a strange balance between maintaining a friendship with someone you continue to care for (on a platonic level) and making sure the person you're currently with doesn't feel insecure about it. I made sure to err on the side that was advantageous to my current relationship.

We haven't spoken in years."


chele said...

That's really interesting. Was your unwillingness to allow her closure your way of getting back at her for hurting you?

West said...

Good question.

I hesitate to say it wasn't a factor, at all, but I really wasn't sure WHAT her motives were.

If she'd said, explicitly, that she really needed to talk to me about that stuff, I probably would've put my feelings aside for her sake... and revisited that very closed chapter in our lives.

But she didn't go there so, without a strong motivating factor, I wasn't going to ignore my own feelings - feelings which said that we'd redefined our relationship and had passed the point of no return.

So I guess that, my decision was mostly about self-interest, as well as a bit of pride.

For whatever it's worth, I still care for her, but I don't need or want any explanations from her.

Shai said...

I understand you, West. The thing is that nagging "why" machine in my head wants to know. Then I think what for, I will only get the person's perspective if they have not really learned. Plus, it won't heal the wound or make things right. For example, I found out my ex cheated on me and his explanation. I was like OK and that was only part of the truth. So I say closure is about when you let go and move on not what the other person does. Like you I could go on but I am going to stay right here.

Good subject matter.

Bballmom said...

She may not have had anything to say to you that would have made her actions any clearer.
And that would have brought the anger and hurt back again.

For what, to make her feel better? I think not
You did the right thing.

West said...

If she'd wanted to talk that stuff out earlier, that would've been fine.

Instead, she made me feel like I wasn't that important in her life, she abandoned me in a time of need, and she failed to provide any words of explanation that would be of value to me.

So, I'm not completely closed to the idea of "closure." I just don't always want it so long after-the-fact.

There are exceptions to even that rule, though.

West said...

Dayum, that's a good point, BballMom.

I have to admit that you're right. At that point in my life, if she'd offered an explanation that didn't clarify things, it would've felt like that wound was reopened for nothing.

Nnnn. You've given me something to think about.

From that perspective, I *really* didn't need to hear what she had to say. I still might've done it for HER sake, but dang.

I could probably talk to her about it all, now, though. Good or bad explanations would just be information, but it probably wouldn't have much emotional effect on me, either way.