Wednesday, September 06, 2006

A "Klumps" Moment for West

So, I went by a local Publix grocery store to grab a few things, right?

While trying to decide on some cookies (and occasionally eyeballing some booty), I noticed someone out of the corner of my eye. She was a Publix employee and, from her posture, she seemed to be staring at me.

To be honest, I thought she'd noticed me lookin' at that juicy booty that'd just galloped past me. In fact, I was a lil 'shame. But I really was interested in those cookies, so I stayed there, trying to decide and trying not to notice that this woman was still staring at me.

Right when I forgot about her, she called out to me: "Excuse me."

She motioned for me to approach her. I did. Here we have a Black female, between the ages of 50- and 60-years-old, wearing a hairnet that didn't quite cover the streaks of grey and silver clinging to her scalp. She was inquisitive.

"What's your name?"


"You been here yo' whole life?"

"Nah. But I've been in Tallahassee for a while and," sensing that she thought I looked familiar, I continued, "I've come into this store quite a bit."

Something in her reaction made it clear that she immediately dismissed the idea that she recognized me from the grocery store.

She went on to ask, "How long you been in town?"

"About ten years."

"What kinda work you do?"

I thought I'd been generous enough with the information, up until that point, and it was time for her to explain herself. She said SOMEthing that I haven't been able to recall, since then, but it reminded me of the way some other local women have questioned me, in the past. So, when she said I looked like someone she'd seen before, I said, "You're not talking about that stripper, are you?"

She sure was.

"Well, see, my niece had this party..."

"Mmm-hmm, your NIECE, riiiight," I said, trying to dilute the awkwardness in the air.

"No, see. My niece had this party and there was this stripper there and he did his thing."

"Yeah. Some women in town have said something similar, in the past. I guess I look like this guy or something."

"Mmm-hmm. He was a nice lookin' guy, too."

"Well, thank you."

"Mmm-hmm. Yeah. And we put some money in his mm-hmm-hmm-HMM."

"His mm-hmm-hmm-HMM? Allrighteethen."

I had to call my girl up and tell her that someone else had mistaken me for this unnamed stripper. All that was missing from this little encounter was for the Publix lady to have said,

"Stripper maaaaan, stripper MAN!"


viperteq said...

Would you rather be mistaken for a stripper or a homeless man? LMAOROTFF!!!!!!!!!!!

West said...

Definitely the former, although I think I'm missing the reference to the latter.

Btw, I was trying to break down your "LMAOROTFF," and the best I could come up with was, "Laughing my ass off, rolling on the floor fartin' and fuckin'."

Then I realized that was too many f's. Help a brutha out, here, vipe.

Son of Blog-El said...

I'm not sure to congratulate you or console you...

I'm going to go with congratulate.

Next time tell 'em, "I tried out for the job but I was too big for the banana hammock!"

I live in a 99% white area and usually get mistaken for one of the Philadelphia Eagles. I now tell people that my name is Ezekiel Brown. I LMAOROTFFF when they get all excited...

viperteq said...

For future reference: LMAOROTFF = Laughing My Ass Off, Rolling On The F&^king Floor.

For future reference: You are crazy......

For future reference: Blog-El's Son is crazy too.....

chele said...


So ... you look like a stripper, huh? And what is this about checking out butts at Publix?

West said...

re: "So ... you look like a stripper, huh?"

One thing I've learned is that most folks can't see (or recognize resemblances) worth a damn.

Chances are that either 1) I look NOTHING like this guy or 2) (sadly) I look like him, but he's ugly as sin.

So, my head ain't gettin' TOO big over this. It is note-worthy, though, that there have been a few women who've mistaken me for this fellow over the past year or two.

re: "And what is this about checking out butts at Publix?"
My eyes still work, woman! :p

Son of Blog-El said...

I prefer "sanity confused" viperteq. That what our oh so wise Rumsfeld would say.

YouToldHarpoTaBeatMe said...

CTHU @ To be honest, I thought she'd noticed me lookin' at that juicy booty that'd just galloped past me.


West said...

re: "CTHU @ To be honest, I thought she'd noticed me lookin' at that juicy booty that'd just galloped past me.


Yeah. One'a dem donkey-butts.
Some'a dat "hoss," as I sometimes call'em.

By the way, what's "CTHU?"

Remnants said...

I can see that you have a very nice smile in your picture...hmm wondering what the rest of your body looks like...since you are being mistaken for a strippah. ;-)
~~~Cracking up~~~over the comments of son of blog-el & viperteq.

Ok I think have caught up on my reading. :-)

West said...

I can't call it, really.
The first time it happened, it was colder than a witch's titties, outside (as my family says) so I was wearing my leather coat and leather hat.

I figure that may have disguised my face and padded my physique enough to lead to mistaken identity.

The other day, though, I was just wearing a t-shirt and jeans.

Like I said, I can't call it. It's not like I'm Luke Cage big or anything.

(Thanks for the compliment, by the way.)

Anonymous said...

CTHU---cracking the hell up.

YouToldHarpoTaBeatMe said...

that was me (above)'cuz blogger's tripping.

West said...


Okay. Thanks.

Michael May said...

"Mmm-hmm. Yeah. And we put some money in his mm-hmm-hmm-HMM."

Oh, my God, thank you for that laugh! :D

West said...

re: "Oh, my God, thank you for that laugh! :D"

Heh. No problem.