Monday, August 21, 2006

Female cynicism

Summarizing something I said on princessdominique's blog... (no disrespect to her point about how some guys are)

There are the many (but not all) women who are so sure that we just want their panties, that they won't entertain any other possibilities... and ruin the potential encounter or relationship by dousing it in pessimism and cynicism.
I'm not sure how long it's been since I last mentioned the following example of the above, so forgive me if this is too repetitious:

I remember seeing a young lady in the university career center and being impressed by the way she carried herself. She wasn't "dressed to the nine" and she wasn't shakin' a lotta bacon, but she gave off a vibe of competence and intelligence that kinda intrigued me.

What I think some ladies forget, on occasion, is the fact that the window of opportunity is much more narrow, at times, that we might like. We may not be afforded the luxury of an extended getting-to-know-you before getting-to-know-you period.

Sometimes, you see someone who piques your curiosity and you simply must not let that moment pass. That's how I felt, then.

Anyway, I watched her a little, as she went about her business and I went about mine. By the time I was done, I'd decided that this lady might be a source of interesting conversation and I wanted to at least approach her. If nothing came of it, at least it wouldn't be for lack of effort on my part.

I stepped to her, introduced myself, and, in short order, told her that I was interested in her and would like to get to know her better. Nothing too special. As I said on nikki's blog, I have no game. Either the lady is interested and willing or she isn't.

I told her that I'd like to take her to dinner, some time (because I wanted conversation AND food, doggonit). She looked pretty surprised, but she agreed to go out with me. (Honestly, I understand that there are certain safety concerns, especially with a stranger, but we could've agreed to meet at the restaurant.)

Fast-forward to the agreed-upon date (I'm sure we talked on the phone at some point, to arrange a date and time) and I was picking her up at her apartment complex. I'm sure I held the door open for her, then we had a fairly short drive to wherever we went - Red Lobster or some steak place, I think.

It quickly became apparent that something just wasn't clicking. Conversation wasn't flowing all that well. Admittedly, if I start running my mouth, I'm not very good about putting food in it, but I tried to find a nice balance between the two.

Something about her manner seemed to say, "I know you think you're slick, but I'm gonna enjoy this food and tip-toe right around your game."

The meal was fine, I guess, but the company didn't do it for me. Something just felt wrong.

After we were done, I took her home. By this time, it was dark, so I got out to open her door/walk her to her apartment. She told me that wasn't necessary and by this time, I'd figured out that she'd assumed I was all about trying to catch some panties - not even.

I insisted, but kept my distance. (While I wanted to respect her privacy and space, I did NOT want something to happen to her "on my watch." As long as I saw her to her front door, I could rest well, that night.)

After getting to the top of the stairs, I stopped, because I knew she'd still be in-sight AND I wanted to make it clear to her that I was NOT trying to welcome myself into her home. As soon as she unlocked her door (and bolted inside, like someone was after her lunch-money), I was on my way back down the stairs... all but fuming over the fact that this woman had made me feel like some kind of predator, simply for being interested in her personality and concerned about her safety.

I got back to my truck and headed home, still feeling a bit pissed as I thought about the fact that, before the evening was done, I'd asked about calling her or us going out, again (I figured that, with time or a change in venue, things might turn out better), and she responded by telling me to give her a call in a few weeks or so.

Damn. The brush-off.

Well, in a few days, or so (a couple of weeks, maybe?), she called me - much to my surprise.

I hadn't called her or heard from her in the interim. She wondered if we could go to the movies or dinner or something.

Without missing a beat, I responded by telling her to give me a call in a few weeks.


Now, maybe she realized that her suspicions about her were unfounded. Maybe she, like I, thought that things might be better if we saw a movie or something.

Ultimately, I figured that she'd shown little interest in anything other than freebies and showing off the padlock on her panties. I saw no reason to think anything had changed.


I'm sure though that, right about now, she's sitting around with a group of like-minded girlfriends, going on about how there are no good (Black) men left and that all we want a the drawls/draws/drawers... without ever mentioning the fact that she runs them off with cynicism and suspicion.

9 comments:

viperteq said...

Trust me, I feel what you're saying. I hate being convicted of "trying to get the panties" without giving me the chance to defend myself. But at the same time, i also feel that those of us men-folk that are aren't out there with a catcher's mit trying to catch anything that flies, also come to the table with a bit of cynasism (I think I spelled that wrong) ourselves.

How would you have known if she really did have a change of vision if you don't go out with her? In her head, your "give me a call in a couple of weeks" line just proved her point. Now she probably IS sitting around with her friends talking about how trife you are.

We are supposed to be the sensible ones amongst the men. We are the Talented Fifth, the cultured, the educated. We are the ones that are not supposed to judge a person based off of experiences from the past. I think that what you should've done is accepted her invitation for a second date and then took the opportunity to really clear the air because clearly she thought you were after something that you were not. If after that date she still held her view, then there's nothing you can do about that. But maybe, just maybe, that could've been your shot to let her really get to know you. After all, a first date is just that: a first date. There's not going to be much soul-bearing from either side. Why? No sense of trust has been established yet.

You my homie, but as a friend, I have to say that I think you handled that situation wrong....

West said...

re: "How would you have known if she really did have a change of vision if you don't go out with her? In her head, your "give me a call in a couple of weeks" line just proved her point. Now she probably IS sitting around with her friends talking about how trife you are."

She could've shared that by talking to me. She didn't. All she showed me was her ass (so to speak). She gave me no reason to believe anything had changed.

re: "In her head, your "give me a call in a couple of weeks" line just proved her point."

It didn't prove anything.

She based her opinion of me on pure assumption. I based my opinion of her on her actual behavior.
Sounds fair, to me.

re: "We are the ones that are not supposed to judge a person based off of experiences from the past."

False. There's nothing wrong with judging someone by the past. It's just more fair to judge them by their own pasts, not other people's.
Her choice not to afford me the same courtesy is her responsibility, not mine.

re: "I think that what you should've done is accepted her invitation for a second date and then took the opportunity to really clear the air because clearly she thought you were after something that you were not. If after that date she still held her view, then there's nothing you can do about that. But maybe, just maybe, that could've been your shot to let her really get to know you."

It's not my job to pay for anyone's meal, but my own. It's certainly not my job to take out someone who has made a poor impression on me. If she continued to labor under a false assumption, it is due to her own flawed logic and prejudices about men.

You seem to be forgetting that I didn't do anything wrong here. I don't owe her two dates just like she didn't owe me one.

re: "No sense of trust has been established yet. "

There was enough trust for her to go out with me. If she didn't trust me enough NOT to assume the worst about me, then she shouldn't have trusted me enough to spend my money.

re: "You my homie, but as a friend, I have to say that I think you handled that situation wrong...."

You're absolutely entitled to that opinion, but I think that a person who does me wrong has to convince me to change my mind about her. She made no such effort... and she didn't call me back.

That's cool, of course, but let's not mistake her choice for my responsibility.

Ragnell said...

Yeah, man, some women are a bit paranoid. Seems to me like you had the right response to just keep on looking for soemone else you click with.

chele said...

C'mon West, you have to know that you are a rare breed. You have to know that. Women (at least I) have come across more brothas that just want the drawls and are not interested one bit in personality and conversation.

I hate to say this but if you had approached me in that manner I would have responded the same way ... with suspicion and pessimism. And I would have met you at the restaurant. I know ... my loss. The reason is that I'd be hard pressed to believe that after a man sees me for five minutes he's that interested in "getting to know me". After five minutes all you've observed is the exterior. Right? Not many brothers will notice an heir of confidence or some other intriguing quality.

I know there are good men out there. I have one. But unfortunately, we women have to kiss a lot of toads before we get to the prince.

West said...

Ragnell: Thanks. The more I think about it, the more secure I feel about my (years-old) decision.

chele: All I can ask is why you'd consider going out with a guy whose presence or manner inspires suspicion and pessimism in you?

As far as meeting me at the restaurant, like I said, that makes sense.

chele said...

I would go to either confirm or dispel my suspicions. I turned down my boyfriend several times before I finally accepted his dinner offer. I went, thinking he was completely full of it. By the end of the night, he convinced me otherwise.

West said...

If I suspect some woman of being a gold-digger, is it fair to go out with her, anyway, treating her like a gold-digger, the whole night?

I think it'd be better to either leave her alone or treat her respectfully until she gives me a reason to do otherwise.

If I treat her like she's guilty until proven innocent, I could very well run off a good person... which I must think she could be if I went out with her, at all.

Besides, I'm sure that if I blogged about some woman I treated like a gold-digger or a slut, only to be surprised that she never called me back, I'd be run out of Blogville, USA... In fact, isn't that what started all of this - the idea the men assume they can and will get the panties from the get-go?

Son of Blog-El said...

Nice blog you got going here. I picked up the link from Ragnell's site.

On to this situation, I have been there myself and have to agree with the one date rule. If it don't click, it don't click.

Life is too short to play games. If you are not interested, have reservations about something, you owe it to yourself and the people you interact with to tell them what's up.

West said...

Welcome and thanks, SoB-E.

Of course, I agree about life being too short. Maybe, in the absence of positivity OR negativity, I might've given it another shot.

As it stood, she made me feel like a bad guy. I really wasn't up to going back for seconds.